Marriage, Sex

Honesty Hour: Getting Used to “Gettin’ It On…”

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Growing up in church, we talked about sex… a lot. It was never good things, though. I didn’t put two and two together until after high school and once I figured out what sex actually was, I was left with a lot of misconceptions and wrong ideas. I honestly believed condoms were pads for men! Yes, I was that naive. Last year, I got married! Hooray! I finally felt like I had an idea on what to expect when it came to sex… and then I actually started having sex and realized it was a little more involved than I had originally thought. So, here are my:

10 Things I’ve Learned: Getting Used to “Gettin’ It On..”

Use Lube.

Seriously, if you want to enjoy having sex and want even more sensation, use LUBE. Some kinds of lube may irritate you though, so experiment and find the type you like best.

Laugh.

And laugh some more. Some of our most memorable moments, sexual or not, are ingrained into my mind solely because of laughter. For instance, the first time hubs kissed me (which was both of our first kisses), he grunted, “HEY!” smashed into my face, yawned and left my car without looking back! I was left with a bloody lip and a whole lot of questions. I jokingly added a helmet to our wedding registry, just in case.

We have sex issues, and it’s okay.

You will most likely experience some sort of sexual issue at some point in your marriage. For us, it was right from the start. Hubs struggled with erectile dysfunction due to some health problems. A lot of factors go into why a man struggles with ED. I thought it was only an issue in old men, that isn’t the case.

My biggest issue was the birth control method I chose. Because I didn’t know the effects hormonal birth control would have on me, I chose the non-hormonal copper IUD. From day one, I experienced excruciating pain and super-dryness down there (which is a very sad super power). I felt like I needed a lube toolbelt on hand just in case things got hot and heavy. Thankfully, I chose another form of contraception, so I don’t have those issues anymore.

Something I have had to work on is my expectations on sex, especially with our sexual hangups in mind. I can’t expect to have sex twice a day when we struggle with ED. When we were newlyweds, I would expect frequent sex and in turn, be frequently disappointed. ED is a hard issue to face for husbands- it’s emasculating and embarrassing. When I continually bring up the fact that I want sex or that I am not having enough sex, it put hubs in tough place. He wants nothing more for his body to work correctly and I have to constantly remind myself that he isn’t keeping sex from me to deprive of my needs.

Discouragement isn’t fun. Don’t let it set the tone for your sex life.

I was faced with a lot of discouragement right off the bat. We said our vows, moved to a brand-new city and everything seemed to just fall apart. I expected to have sex multiple times a week and after the honeymoon, it all changed. We would have sex for what seemed like hours and no one would orgasm (no one has to, though). Sex would just end with two exhausted, very disappointed sighs. I felt like I had a lifetime ahead of me of boring, ugly, unsatisfying sex. Sex definitely has a learning curve, you’re not going to be a pro at sex when you’re first starting out. My ideas on sex were on the opposite end of the spectrum from hubs. We have to come to agreements, even now, on how frequently we have sex.

Though rejection never feels good, I am learning to show grace. Sometimes no means, “not now.” Other times, when I’m ready to go but hubs’s body isn’t cooperating, I have to show grace. Sex may not happen the way I envisioned it, but I can still receive the intimacy I yearn for, in different ways.

Try new things.

Try all the things. Find new positions, get frisky in new places, turn on some music. The options are endless when it comes to sex with your spouse. I am a huge believer that if the two of you are consenting adults, go nuts. Obviously, we want to stick within Biblical guidelines, but other than that, have fun.

Also, A LOT of women (like 75% of us) can only orgasm by clitoral stimulation. If you are the lucky 25% that can orgasm through penetration, props to you. But, if you’re like me, talk to your hubs about looking into some sort of vibrator to help you reach orgasm during intercourse. Don’t feel bad (or let hubs feel bad) that you can’t orgasm through penetration, either! A fun trick I have learned is to guide hubs’s hands or mouth to places I want to be kissed and touched. Hubs is happy to go anywhere I enjoy 🙂

sex banana

Buy a big bed.

This one is just practical advice. Hubs and I moved to our new home after the honeymoon and had completely forgotten to purchase a bed. Like, it didn’t even cross our minds. Our solution for 5 weeks was to smash his 50-year-old twin bed next to the couch. I don’t recommend that. Buy a bed and use your own blankets- just try it and thank me later…

Don’t be embarrassed.

Don’t be embarrassed about the sounds you’re going to make. Bodies squeak and squelch and air gets trapped in places it shouldn’t be. Embrace your body. I am a plus sized woman and realize that I don’t have the body of a model. That doesn’t stop hubs from loving every inch of me. One way I have embraced my body is by making a list of my favorite physical features. In turn, I had hubs do the same thing. Hubs’s list was longer than mine ;). Now whenever I look in the mirror or dress up for date night, I focus on the features he loves most about me.

I am the high drive spouse.

I am the high drive spouse. This has been one of the hardest lessons I have learned this past year. I didn’t even know it was possible to have a higher drive than a man. Everyone told me that I would need to just “give in” whenever hubs wanted sex- it’d make my life easier. Because of all these conversations I had about horn-dog husbands, I had a hard time grasping the concept that to hubs, sex seemed as boring as watching paint dry. I felt like a freak because I wanted sex all the time and would be rejected.

Being rejected is hard, but I’ve come to learn that his “no” means not now. Sometimes I want to jump him in the middle of a football game but I’m learning that that’s not the most opportune time. Other times, he realizes his plans aren’t always going to go the way he wrote them down, so there is give and take from both sides.

Talk about sex outside of the bedroom.

The worst place possible to talk about sex is in the bedroom, especially after sex. We’ve had our share of issues that we need to flesh out and for us, it has been a lot easier to talk about them once the heat (or disappointment) of the moment is over. Write things out and put them somewhere so you can both see it. Maybe we have goals for the week or certain plans that may interfere with an evening I want to plan for sex. Knowing things ahead of time help prepare me so I am not as easily let down when my spontaneity strikes.

A helpful tip from dad.

Lastly, here’s some playful advice from my father. Before we were married, my dad and stepmom came to Colorado to visit. They sat down with us and shared their advice for us about marriage. My stepmom wasn’t even halfway through her talk about finances when my father proudly interrupted with this chunk of advice, “If you gotta grab a boob, grab a boob. If you gotta grab a butt, grab a butt.”

By no means do I have this sex thing figured out. We’ve only been married for a year- a very crazy, hard, but special year. Sex takes time, communication and a lot of practice 😉 Oh, and don’t forget to pee after!

Until next time,

Emily Heart

10 thoughts on “Honesty Hour: Getting Used to “Gettin’ It On…”

  1. Thanks for your vulnerability! Learning to love well sexually is definitely a learning curve! My husband and I have been at it now for 28 years and we are still learning! Some things get easier as you go, but each stage of life brings on new things to grow in. I think it is one of the greatest blessings God gives us! Each experience is a new adventure and no two times look the same. It’s a great journey that we get to explore together. Laughter is essential! And I love that you talk about sex outside the bedroom and not just in the heat of the moment. Great advice for all of us!

  2. We do need to bring sex out of the shadow of shame. It was created by God, afterall. I read your about page and discovered that your 1st year of marriage was very similar to mine. Premarital sex kinda set us up for trouble because it became my way to feel loved, but it also became tainted with that spirit of the forbidden pleasure. Then you get married. …it took us quite a while to change our minds about what sex should and could be. Prayer and counseling have helped us move into a more healthy mindset and more enjoyable experience. One thing that helps me us to remember that every intimate encounter with my husband is different, for better or worse. Don’t make performance the goal, but kindNess and exploration

  3. I think it’s pretty cool that you were willing to open the discussion so frankly. Because you acknowledge that this intimate relationship is another area that a couple may need to work at, and practice grace and kindness, reward will come. Sex is awesome, and invented by God, but nothing is more precious than one another’s souls, and our relationship with God.
    http://grandmamarymartha.blogspot.com

  4. Thank you for sharing! Your story sounds alot like mine. I have the high sex drive while he has issues with ED at time’s. He came from a background that viewed sex VERY negatively. Once he was able to have a positive view he has a lot more fun and enjoys it immensely 😉
    Before I married I read up on the different views of sex in marriage and worked on my mindset. And this blog helped so much!

    1. It’s good to know that we’re not alone, isn’t it!? Sometimes, it is hard to find someone to relate to and it can make us feel alone while we navigate marriage. 🙂 Thanks for the support.

  5. Thanks for your honesty. We are married for 35 years now and still working on a better sexlife. Your life together can never have enough intimacy. Praise God from whom all blessings come.

  6. I’m glad to hear you are the higher drive spouse like me(married 11 years). It’s hard because so many people are giving advice about having more sex and that is not helpful because it’s preaching to the choir for me. May God bless you in your sex life.

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