Pornography

Pornography Ruins Sex Lives Before They Begin | Hubs’s Take

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I haven’t shared much about hubs’s past until now. One of the biggest issues we have struggled with in our marriage is his past addiction (per his words) to pornography. From the beginning of this blog, I have been upfront with him about what I share. He reads my posts when they pertain especially to him and the struggles we have had in our marriage. Today, I want to share an excerpt from hubs, himself.

He struggled with a porn addiction for over 10 years and when we started dating, he was two years free of porn. In my mind, everything was fine and we had conquered the beast. Little did I know, that was only the beginning. Now that we’re married, those previous images and lies have crept into our sex life. Here’s hubs’s take on his past addiction with porn and how it’s affected our first year of marriage.

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HELLO THIS IS HUBBERS AND I AM A HUMAN MALE AND DEFINITELY NOT A ROBOT

Porn is awful.

Porn is the literal devil. It rewires your brain for the rest of your life and twists something that is supposed to be the ultimate physical gift in this world into a curse.

I will be blunt because metaphors and euphemisms cheapen the severity of this problem.

Pornography is many things, but since Wifers is writing this post specifically about sex in early marriage, I will focus on one thing: selfishness. Regardless of how someone begins using pornography, he or she will keep using it because they are selfish.

“Sex is designed to be the physical embodiment of two people becoming one – the opposite of selfishness.”

When you go to the well of pornography, you are destroying – session by session, masturbation by masturbation, video by video – what your brain thinks and feels when your body orgasms. Instead of the physical and emotional bliss of all the orgasmic chemicals in your brain being connected to a deep feeling of love for your spouse, they are attached to just one thing – yourself. Every time you masturbate to pornography, you are teaching your brain that you love yourself.

The consequences to this are minimal in the short-term if you’re a single person, which is probably why so many people fall into this trap (the so-called “victim-less crime”). But guess what? Sin is sin, and there WILL be consequences. As you enter into marriage, these consequences will show up, and show up in a fury.

What happens when you have sex with another human for the first time and you are or have been a pornography addict? Your brain suddenly realizes that all those times you had sex with yourself in front of the computer were a sham, a lie, and shameful.

porn kills love

Maybe other men react differently, the shame I felt (and if I’m honest, still feel sometimes) is enough to send you into a depression spiral. And it keeps happening. After a while, having sex equates to feelings of shame and depression. Our base human instinct kicks in and tells us to avoid doing things that cause pain, and if sex = shame and depression, then sex = pain…and you will do everything you can to avoid it.

These few paragraphs only begin to scratch the surface of all the things a past (or current) addiction to pornography brings into a marriage. I’ll share more in the future whenever Wifers thinks it’s prudent.

Before I let her take the keyboard back from me, I need to leave with an exhortation:

If you are currently using pornography, STOP. NOW. RUN. Every day you put off quitting will add a week of pain in your marriage. Seriously. RUN.

Talk to your fiance/husband.

Since I know this website is aimed at women, I’ll also say this – if your husband/fiance has not confided in you about past pornography use, you need to look him dead in the eye and ask him, point blank, “Do you use pornography?” Every statistic will tell you the majority of men are either using it currently or did in the past. You need to get it out in the open if it’s not already. Chances are, he is using it or has used it and has feelings of regret and shame. He needs grace. He needs to know that you still love him and that you aren’t going anywhere. And if he’s not already meeting on at least a monthly basis with an older man to talk about it, he needs to start. Outside of trusting in Jesus for salvation, there is no more critical issue today. I say that as someone who’s lived it.]

OK HUBBERS SIGNING OFF

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This is just a small part of how porn messes with minds and marriages. I am so grateful that hubs has been honest and has found support in the men surrounding him. If your hubs/fiance do come to you, extend grace and encourage them to find help. If you do need support, XXX Church is a great resource along with Fight the New Drug.

Until next time,

Emily Heart

8 thoughts on “Pornography Ruins Sex Lives Before They Begin | Hubs’s Take

  1. You spoke on a very needed subject that needs to be addressed and you brought out the points so powerfully…Well done! Recently, I found women advertising porn to “help” their relationships with their husbands. I have seen cases of how it has destroyed marriages, and the saddest thing is some Christian evangelists are advocating it…so where are we going…and it is so true that it is an addiction that overproduces dopamine in the brain that ruins a healthy marriage…

    1. I would definitely start with counseling to have a third person help process why he feels no guilt and why he desires to continue watching porn

  2. Porn is awful. My husband was hooked for 28 years of our 32 years of marriage. There are wonderful support groups for wives of men who struggle with sexual purity. I am fortunate to have found one and stayed long enough to co-direct our women’s program. There is help and hope and healing. Thank you.

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