I make jokes about almost anything in my life- humor and sarcasm are woven into my being. I find reasons to laugh and enjoy making fun of myself on a regular basis. But, sometimes my jokes involve other people and they can be more hurtful than funny, sadly.
Today, I want to address a pattern of conversation I’ve come to find concerning. It could be the community of people I’m around (online and in person) but I believe this pertains to a lot of women. It’s something I struggle with as well: Talking Poorly About Our Hubs. GOSSIP? HURTFUL TALK?
Everything in this post is staring me right to my soul saying, “check yo-self before you wreck yo-self, girl!” I vent and complain to my friends but the majority of the time, my hurtful ways of thinking start in my head.
Before we go any further, I want to see what God has to say about gossip and harsh words:
Ephesians 4:29 says- Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
Proverbs 15:4 says- Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
Luke 6:45 says- A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.
“What you says flows from what is in your heart.”
Ouch. That one stings, doesn’t it? Whether I want to admit it or not, the more often I think about the hurtful things Hubs has done, the more I believe he’s out to get me.
Get this straight, Hubs is a very kind, gentle and loving man and truly doesn’t see out to hurt me. But, when I allow those lies to infiltrate my heart, (from past hurts or experiences, even) I start thinking less of him.
There is a difference between asking for advice and tearing Hubs down.
…”a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.”
Whether we mean to or not, our hurtful words about Hubs leave a mark and taints the way others think of him.
I do believe that there is a time and place to talk about our struggles as a couple. There’s nothing inherently wrong with calling a friend and venting. But are all of your conversations focused on how horrible he is? Or are you honestly seeking guidance to change your marriage for the better? My Hubs meets with a mentor twice a month- I know that mentor knows a lot about our marriage. Those people are safe. Mentors understand marriage is difficult and they want to help us walk through our struggles.???
What isn’t okay, in my opinion, is tearing Hubs down in front of a bunch of people. Writing a passive aggressive post on social media directed specifically towards him doesn’t fly in my book. It’s wrong and it’s petty.
If Hubs and I were with a bunch of friends and I turned and said, “At least your husband does ___! Mine won’t pay the bills and I can’t get him to do squat around the house…” one, that would embarrass the heck out of him and two, everyone’s opinion of my husband just went down a notch. Now, they see him as irresponsible and lazy.
If you talk like that with hopes that he’ll be embarrassed and change his ways, yikes. Can we talk about resentment? Cuz that’s not the way to go about making a change.
Our partners aren’t children or pets. Talking down to anyone makes them feel inferior and incapable.
Find a mentor couple.
Having a mentor couple will allow you a safe space to work out the problems in your marriage. They want to see you succeed in your relationship with God and your spouse. If you haven’t noticed by now, finding a mentor is something that I truly believe in. And since we’re being honest here, I haven’t found one in this stage of my life, yet. I know the benefits of having one and will continue praying and searching for one!
When you assume you make an *** out of U and Me.
A lot of my upset stems from my false assumptions about hubs. For instance, if he doesn’t do a task on time, (or within my expectations) I start to assume that he doesn’t care about me. I start to believe that my priorities aren’t important to him.
Well, sometimes that’s the case. You have two people with different schedules and responsibilities- there’s bound to be conflict. That’s life and a big part of marriage is learning to work together and communicate!
Granted, your hubs may be irresponsible! I’m not downplaying that at all, cuz girl, I GET IT. There are character flaws in everyone and it takes grace, hard work, and humility to work through them. But before we start bashing our Hubs, we need to check our expectations before we assume the worst.
How do I change my thoughts about Hubs?
…”Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”
Okay, so we’ve recognized a problem and now we need to take steps to fix it.
I would start with encouraging Hubs in front of others. Thank him for what he does when it’s just the two of you. When you make someone feel respected and appreciated they are more likely to receive your criticism easier?? Maybe you like the laundry done a certain way- go to hubs with grace and understanding and show him your preference! But realize, you’re not going to get your way in everything (that’s not how marriage works) and you’ll have to remind him a few more times!
Pray for hubs, your marriage, your attitude. Ask God to change your heart and attitude towards Hubs. And if you struggle with a hubs who doesn’t seem to help out, ask that he be receptive to your requests.
Finally, Make a list of everything you appreciate about Hubs! When you start focusing on the bad, pull out that list and remind yourself of why you love him!
Gossip and demeaning talk are hurtful no matter who it’s directed towards. If you wouldn’t want Hubs saying something about you, rethink your words and your attitude.