Happy Friday! Today starts part one of my two part series, “Marriage Myths.” We’re going to debunk some of the common misbeliefs about marriage and relationships. Not that this should surprise you, but I’m going to shoot you straight. It may sting, but I don’t want others to make the same mistakes I have! Plus, if we really want to grow in our relationship with God, we need that extra nudge to reevaluate our lives. It stings at first, but good always comes from it. So here it is! Check out part one of marriage myths you need to know!
5-ish Marriage Myths You Need To Know.
Myth No. 1: Since I saved sex for marriage, my sex life is going to be AMAZING.
It’s great to be so optimistic but when you started riding a bike, did you balance on two wheels right out the gate? I’m assuming not. It is a very admirable thing to wait to have sex until marriage but think outside the pants for a minute. When starting something new, there is almost always a learning curve. Sex isn’t excluded from this. There’s holes to find, things to touch and new muscles to work. Sex is fun and it gets better but it takes time!
Myth No.2: He loves me enough to stop _____.
Again, great job with the optimism here. Because you can only see so far past your “deep-love-that-is-different-than-anyone-else’s” I’m going to let you in on a secret: He won’t. He loves you, yes, but you can’t change someone to fit your mold. You can’t recreate a person with 20 years of a habit. I interject here to say that someone with an addiction needs help and support that you cannot provide. They can change but it will not be from your doing.
You cannot change hubs. But, you both will become more like the other. You’ll find yourself enjoying new things because of their influence on you, and that’s good! He will do things that drive you nuts but guess what- you do it too!
Myth No. 2.5: A word about dating someone who isn’t a Christian
If you are in a relationship with someone who isn’t a Christian- stop. We are not to be unequally yoked. You can’t force them to cultivate a relationship with God.
2 Cor. 6:14 Says:
“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”
When a farmer heads out to plow his field, he will take two animals of similar size and strength to pull the plow. When the two oxen pull the plow in unison, they create a straight line- exactly what the farmer needs to grow crops. If he were to pair a strong ox with a weak ox, the strong one will overpower the other one and practically spin in circles.
If you read our MVM post this week, we talked about taking Christ’s yoke upon us and following him. This word picture represents how an imbalance of morals and faith can hurt us. When we are followers of Christ, we need to have a partner who keeps us accountable in our relationship with God.
So, if you are dating someone who isn’t a believer, ask yourself this question- and answer it TRUTHFULLY: are you in love with him or are you in love with the idea of him? Is his character something you desire in a husband? Is he trustworthy and kind and responsible? Will he help encourage you to be a lover of God? Or are you more attracted to the nice cars and lavish lifestyle he seemingly has? At the end of the day, all that truly matters is your relationship with God.
Myth No. 3: I have no purpose until I am married.
FALSE. FALSE. FALSE. Girl, you have had a purpose from the day you were born. Adding a person to your life doesn’t make you more valuable in God’s eyes. He has you here for a purpose- a task, a calling that only you can fulfill. Check out what Romans 8:28 has to say:
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
Yes, it’s a beautiful thing what a married can do in ministry together, but your purpose doesn’t start once you have a ring on your finger. The flash of your 1ct diamond doesn’t suddenly catch God’s eye and remind him to give you something to do with your life.
If this is the mentality you have towards marriage, I urge you to hold things off and find out what God is calling you to.
If you are married and struggle with this mentality, I understand. For a long time, I believed I wasn’t worthy of marriage. I believed that something must be wrong with me to be 23 and perpetually single (i was so young!). Looking back, God was protecting me and growing me to be the woman I am today.
If this is you, take some time to ask God to reveal some things in your life that you can use to contribute to his kingdom. Who knows, there might be something right around the corner!
Myth No. 4: Marriage will fulfill me.
It won’t, Sis. There are moments when I ask myself what I got into. If you aren’t able to find joy and fulfillment now, you aren’t going to find it consistently in another person.
Marriage is hard work. When you continually wait for the next thing to make you feel fulfilled, you’ll never find it. Nothing- not a wedding, a husband, EVEN SEX- will ever be enough.
It is so important to find things that you enjoy! There will be times that hubs won’t be able to do things with you- or straight up not want to (#hedoesntunderstandmyfascinationwithtruecrime). Find your own hobbies and interests and don’t feel bad for leaving him at home.
Myth No. 5: God has the perfect spouse for me. There is only one person for me.
Yes and no. I believe He has the perfect person for you for the right time.
Remember that list you made in high school of your ideal husband? Go grab it, read through it and burn it. Seriously. Too often I see young women measuring the men they date to the list they made in 9th grade. That’s cruel. I realize that it can be helpful to set our priorities, but still! There are things in my husband that I never would have put on my list and I love him SO MUCH. If your dating decisions are ruled by your “perfect husband” list, you need to rethink how relationships work. And while you’re doing that, go burn up the list… I’ll wait.
Relationships aren’t a one-way road. You don’t get everything you desire because you wrote it on a piece of paper. There are two of you- two people with different ideas, personalities, passions and desires for a mate.
I found hubs when I had given up hope that I would ever meet someone. I like a few guys and dated around, but it never went anywhere. When I met hubs, he was who I needed at that time in my life. He was my first and only relationship.
First off, if you genuinely believe there is only one person for you, you’re setting yourself up for future disappointment. Secondly, what do you tell the widows and widowers and those who have gone through a divorce? Surely they haven’t run out of choices because they’ve had their “one.”
Hey, it’s helpful to know what you want in a spouse and it isn’t wrong to have a preference, but we need to make sure we are open to what God has for us and we aren’t solely relying on a selfish list of absolutes.
Phew! I hope this gave you some insight on some myths we may believe about marriage! I know that I believed each and every one of these on the list at different points in my life. If any of these tugged at your heart, take a minute today to ask God to reveal His truth in all of this.
Be sure to look for part two next week and have a great weekend!
Give your hubs a smooch for me!