Happy Wednesday! Today is Part 2 of our “Marriage Myths” series! I hope you’ve enjoyed it this far and I am excited to dive into this week’s myths! If you missed Part 1, don’t fret! You can read it here!
Here you go! Share this with friends and family members that are getting married soon!
Myth No. 6: Hubs Needs To Be The Spiritual Leader Of Our Relationship.
Wait, I think you’ve got things confused. Hubs is called the head of the household- not head of your relationship with God. It would be wonderful to have a partner who leads you in prayer every night, but that may not be hubs’s thing! Leading prayer and Bible study aren’t the only two ways to be a spiritual leader.
One of the great things about marriage is that the two of you can grow together in all areas of life. Putting him solely in charge of your spiritual walk is 1) unfair and 2) a cop out. If he doesn’t come to you each day with a Bible verse to study and a prayer for you to say are you just going to miss out? I would reevaluate what your idea of a spiritual leader is, if you’re struggling with this. We are all responsible for our own relationship with God and there are ways to study alone or with hubs.
My hubs, for example, works at a church. Every Sunday I watch him go above and beyond to help those around him and help produce a wonderful Sunday service. When he comes home, he’s wiped, but he almost always makes lunch and makes sure a load of laundry is washing. I’ve seen him serve for many years now and that is something so dear to my heart. His drive and passion help push me to continue to serve and use my talents!
There is no base to say hubs must be our sole spiritual leader. It would be nice but some men still need some encouragement. Don’t force your hubs into a place of leadership if that’s not where God has him yet. If you struggle with this and want to allow hubs to lead in other ways, check out this post!
Myth No. 7: We Don’t Need Counseling. We Have A Pastor!
Yes, you do. Pastors need counseling. Counselors need counseling. If you can’t see eye to eye or notice a recurring pattern in your marriage OR you want to improve your marriage, seek counsel. It doesn’t mean you’re broken or desperate! Premarital counseling would have helped tremendously with navigating a new marriage. Plus, I would have been aware of some issues if we talked to someone.
Truth is, pastors can only help so much. When you struggle with certain disorders you need to seek a professional. Pastors are phenomenal mentors. They can give you tools for better communication in your marriage but they have their limits.
Hubs and I were in counseling 3 months into being married. I was a mess; I hated where I lived, I found out things I didn’t know about Hubs and I felt OH-SO lonely. The pastor we saw was kind but it never seemed appropriate to talk about our struggles as newlyweds.
Counseling makes a difference even if it helps you open your eyes to someone else’s perspective. Also, having a third person tell you you’re being petty (cuz sometimes we don’t even realize it) helps too.
Myth No. 8: If Divorce Isn’t An Option, It Won’t Happen.
Ignoring something doesn’t make it disappear. I’m not sure if you’ve ever played hide and seek with a toddler, but they believe that covering their eyes makes them disappear. Spoiler alert: they don’t. Divorce will always be there whether you acknowledge it or not. It’s up to us to make the daily decision to love, forgive and give grace to our spouse.
Divorce should never be an easy out but it should be a necessary out for those in abusive and harmful situations.
Myth No. 9: You’re Not An Exception To The Rules.
“We love each other” isn’t a free pass to continue doing things that the Bible says are wrong.
I bet you love each other SO MUCH. And I’m SO glad you do. But that doesn’t make you an exception to rules. Love can get you far, but you’re going to need more than that to sustain you. During the honeymoon phase, love may be all you need. But once the new wears off and the monotonous chores set in and love doesn’t feel so fresh… what else will drive your marriage?
Loving someone, especially in relationships before marriage,(and as Christians) should look differently than love in a marriage. Too often women are convinced to have sex because bf says, “if you loved me, you would _____.” That’s not how it works, girl. If someone truly loves and respects you, that kind of talk should be a huge red flag. Especially, if they are pushing you past the boundaries you are comfortable with. But, it takes two to tango and you need to be giving respect as much as you receive it!
I realize people make mistakes. I get it. WE messed up. But, too often I hear these types of statements and feel like someone was forced to compromise OR they stopped caring- and that’s a dangerous spot to be in.
We Say: “Well, We had sex, it just seemed right at the time… it was the next step to show how much we love each other.”
God says in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4: “It’s God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality, that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen who do not know God.”
We say: “We’re moving in together… things are working out great and rent is so expensive nowadays that it just makes sense.”
God says in Hebrews 13:4: “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
A Quick Word About Living Together Before You Are Married.
Don’t. There. My quick word about living together.
Now, here are my thoughts on why not:
I realize it seems like a no-brainer to save money for the wedding or to make sure he will treat you right. But sharing an address doesn’t make a person change their habits. Living together magnifies a person’s flaws. Also, Sis, if you think that moving in together will get him to propose faster, that probably won’t work. If he’s getting all the benefits of a wife now, why does he need to go spend thousands of dollars to make it official? Once you are living together and have had sex, the rush to get married diminishes and it doesn’t seem as important.
If you are contemplating it, don’t do it. If both of you have committed to saving sex for marriage and think you’re an exception to the rule EXTRA DON’T DO IT.
Myth No. 10: You Need To Test Drive The Vehicle Before You Buy The Car… Amirite?
I contemplated putting this one here because you aren’t going to hear this in a church sermon about sexual purity. But, truth is, you probably hear it from people in your life confused by your desire to stay abstinent until marriage.
Yes, be smart before making a huge investment. But, honey, you’re not purchasing a husband. I realize it makes sense in your head to “try things out” before you lock them down, but at what cost? Sex outside of marriage has no “commitment” attached. It serves only one person: yourself. You have nothing for this person but parts that feel good for the moment.
Now, here’s the thing. I get it. In the moment, heck, even during that time of life, I truly believed what I was doing was just another way to show my fiance’ love. But, looking back, all I was doing was trying to get some and find release. HONESTLY.
And, what happens if (God forbid) things don’t work out? Half of the battle of fighting sexual demons in a marriage is fighting your comparisons from past hookups.
Myth NO 10.5: I have it all figured out.
HA! Yeah right. I’ve been married for one year make mistakes daily. We’ve made it this far by offering grace daily and by talking things out as they come. God has been my rock through all the ups and downs of this relationship and has been changing my heart to appreciate what’s around me.
I’ve learned this past year that I still dislike cooking, cleaning and dill pickles but I have come to enjoy drumming, writing and hiding from the 105 degree temps. Plus, I have an incredible husband who has been there to support me through all my ups and downs.
There you have it. Some Marriage Myths I believed and struggled with. What one stuck out the most to you? Comment below and let me know! I’d love to pray and talk with you!
Give your hubs a smooch! Peace!